I have had this feeling that I need to write This letter to all of you, my children, my spouse, my mother & farther and also my brother’s & sister’s. I have come to know how much pain that I had in side my and got out and hurt others. The reason that I was never close to any one was me, never any of you. I held something my whole life that I believe I should not and could not share with any one and because of what I was feeling so I did not. It no longer matters what that is, it is for myself to face, what dose matter is I never let some of you in. As I sit here tonight I know I let this keep me from being true to my self, but more I let it keep me from trusting and loving all of you in some way. For this I am sorry.
As I look back on my life I would not ask to change any part of it as far as what happen, But I do wish that maybe I would have share more of myself with you all. I am now starting to understand just a little of what loving someone no matter what is about. Year ago when I was going though cancer I was told that I had 6 months to live I did not want to believe it and I did not share that with any one out side of Tamera and my children, I felt as if it was something that only I could deal with. How wrong of me to think that. Over the years the feeling I carried turn to hate, I hated that I felt as I did, I did all that I could to not feel this way, I prayed and ask for help, I did what they all said. But still I felt as I did and do now. As this turned to hate I tried more to change, but all that came of this was that any one around me felt the hate I held inside. I never was truly myself with any one, I was not a good farther or a good spouse. My oldest told me when she left home that she hated me and never wanted to come back. I have hurt the ones most dear to me. Please know I am sorry for any thing I may have done to hurt any of you.
There were times after I had cancer that I wish and prayed that it would come back and take my life and I am sad to say that there were also times That I tried to take my life. A little more then a year ago I can to understand just how bad I needed help, that this would never go away no matter how much I prayed and asked for help. So I did ask for help, it has been hard to get to where I am now, but I can say that I no long feel that would kill myself. I still feel as I have all of my life the feeling that I kept in side. That too is out in the open no longer kept from view, there are some of you that I have told and some that were told by other and some that have always known. It matters not what is known or how but that we all are family and that some how or some way we can still be family. It has been me that has stayed away from things and members of the family, in this I have only hurt my self. I am now trying to open my self up to all of you. It will take me time to change what I have always done in the pass, but please know I am trying to.
I got a letter from someone that was of a view that I will not go into, I read it may times and I still have it. I like to say that I love you and always have, just know that I am always open to having a talk. I want to say that change can and will only come from with in one soul. There may be other in life that would have us change for what ever they feel, just know that no matter what will not ask any of you to change who you are for me.
I love you all so much Blaire]]>